Getting what you want is simple if you help others find meaning in helping you.

Some people get what they want. Usually they ask for it. Sales is no different. Relationships are the same. If you don’t tell the customer what is expected, they might never know what to do. If you don’t let your partner know what you need, they will not know what you need. The key to a meaningful life is purpose. When we help others we find our true purpose. Sometimes, other people need to find ways to help people. Help them help you, then everybody wins.

Have you questioned why some people actually get what they are seeking? Maybe you thought they were lucky, or smart, or possessed some power. The truth is really they just know how to ask the right questions in the right way. Words are power. Meaning is contextual and by giving proper meaning to the way we desire and frame our desires we can also help others want to help us.

In order to truly get what you want, you must ask great questions. Questions are made of words, and when framed the right way are powerful.

The first step is helping the person you want something from, to be able help you. Often people start with the asking the question and then try to help or overcome resistance. The key is to build the bridge first and then help them see that the bridge is already built.

Once you know what you need, why you need it, and if the person/group you are working with can provide you with what you need then you can really start the process of mutual helpfulness.

Follow this simple process to start helping others help you:

1. The Pre-Frame Statement

Tell them you are going to ask them for something. Then let them know they might not be able to help. Often when someone is told they can’t do something, they will try to find a way to prove that they can. People don’t want to be told no, especially when they are being told to tell themselves no.

2. Frame The Need Statement

Let them know why you are about to ask them for something and at the same time tell them you will help them in any way you can and are very flexible in the process as long as the outcome is win-win for all sides.

“A well-known principle of human behavior says that when we ask someone to do us a favor we will be more successful if we provide a reason. People simply like to have reasons for what they do.” – Robert B. Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

3. The Question

Ask for exactly what you need. Simple. That’s it. Ask for what you need. Then be silent.

4. Accept Everything

Do not reject anything. Even if it is only 10% of what you asked for, say, “Great, that is super helpful.” Let them know they are helpful, they will feel helpful and want to act more helpful.

5. The Restate

Explain again why you need what you need, ask them what they need from you in order to make the request a reality. Offer one more appreciative comment for what was already offered and then ask the for the same need again with the added emphasis on creativity in finding a plan to make it all work out.  Then talk it out with them. This when the real solutions are found. This is when a partnership is formed. This is when you both get what you want and need.

The missing ingredient:

Confidence – You must reject negativity and fear. Your inner thoughts control your outer life.

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller

Even if you don’t think you are afraid, what you truly believe inside is likely to be expressed. If you think the deal won’t work, it probably won’t. Believe in yourself

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Insecurity is stinky and loud. Insecurity can be felt.

“If you are insecure, guess what? The rest of the world is too. Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.” -T. Harv Eker

Your biggest risk is first not trying, and second, trying but not believing you will succeed. You deserve more. You get more by helping more people. Everyone wants to help others. Find ways to help more and let people help you as well.

Try this process the next time you want something and see how this system helps everyone find meaning.

Originally published on business.com