Early in my professional (post-university) career I was attending a conference in Paris

. It was exciting working for an established and respected firm and meeting with important clients. At a cocktail reception I started talking with a big player in the ethanol industry. He asked me: “What can we discuss that will help both of us?” I said something that I thought made sense. It didn’t. In all reality, I did not know what my purpose was or the main purpose of the company for attending the conference. I didn’t ask the right questions and the managers never bothered to fill me in. I missed out on that opportunity and probably many more. The ball was dropped by all sides. I should have cared more, the managers should have cared more. We missed potential clients and never maximized others because of the lack of communication.

When relationships are built on solid communication, the chance for the relationship to grow increases.

There are hundreds of ways to mess up a relationship. Most of the reasons can be put under the category of not caring enough. When you don’t care, you lose trust. Trust is more than just communication, it is also action. But, communication is very important. Relationships grow through trust.

9 WAYS TRUST GROWS:

1. When you care about the purpose (the why) of all you do.

2. When you respect where others are coming from through empathy – with special attention to their knowledge, experience, state of mind, values, beliefs, and needs.

3. When you want the best for the other person.

4. When you act with politeness and appreciation.

5. When you help others meet their desires, dreams, and goals.

6. When you invest your time, commitment, and voice.

7. When you show genuine concern, care, and compassion.

8. When the relationship is more important than any single outcome.

9. When you are a giver by giving without expectation of return.

The most important way of all to build trust with people is to have unconditional love for them, in a similar way that parents and children have love for each-other.

Have you had any experiences where you learned the hard way about building trust through caring and communication?

originally published at richtopia 

Why do challenges and struggles make some people stronger and make others weaker? How is it that some teams/people come back from devastating defeats while others simply give-up? What are the keys that unlock potential?

These are the questions that former Navy SEAL Dennis McCormack and co-authors George Everly Jr., and Douglas Strouse, examine in their book ‘Stronger: Develop the Resilience You Need to Succeed‘. Resilience is an individual’s ability to properly adapt to adversity and stress. Adversity could be viewed as simply as any-time something does not go as planned or as complex as when there is someone actively trying to prevent you from accomplishing your goals.

People who display resilience are able to overcome setbacks and accomplish greatness. The authors state that the five characteristics needed to develop resilience are:

1. Active Optimism. It is not just a belief, or idealistic view, but rather the ability to see the desired outcome that then creates positive action.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston S. Churchill

2. Decisive Action. Once the optimism is in place, you must be decisive and act in order to recover from setbacks. You can and must gain the courage to make difficult decisions.

“…the cure for most obstacles is, Be decisive.” – George Weinberg

3. Moral Compass. We must let integrity, honor, ethical actions, and fidelity guide our decisions under demanding circumstances.

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius

4. Relentless Tenacity: Determination. It is bring determined to finish and persistent enough to carry out your desires.

“Most people give up just when they’re about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game, one foot from a winning touchdown.” – H. Ross Perot

5. Interpersonal Support. It is important to know who is on your team and how they support you.

“Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” – Helen Keller

As achievers and dreamers, we have goals. How do we reach them? How do we achieve our objectives? Some people have begun to call resilience grit. One of the pioneers in this field of study is Angela Duckworth. Through her research Dr. Duckworth has found that grit is the quality that enables individuals to work hard and stick to their long-term passions and goals.

In one of my favorite books, Mindset, by Carol Dweck, the author teaches:

“…no matter what your ability is, effort is what ignites that ability and turns it into accomplishment.”

These Secrets are the 6 Keys to Developing Personal Resilience (Grit)

1. Always Take Action – inertia is powerful. The more time is wasted, the weaker our resolve becomes. Fortune favors the bold

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2. Always Release Stress/Tension – find a way to unwind and express emotions: draw, journal, meditate, speak to a personal friend, exercise, create art, write letters to others….
3. Always Be Learning – learn from mistakes, learn from success, learn from others (watch, observe, ask questions, read)
4. Always Stay Connected – people who are resilient have other people they rely on. Be that friend for others. Make emotional deposits into your friendship bank for a time when you might be low.
5. Always Adapt – be flexible. Our expectations often dictate our emotional response, expect change and adapt to the current reality.
6. Always Follow Your Why – know and understand your purpose, your true motivation. When the storms of life are raging, your “why”, your purpose becomes the safe haven, the place you can always retreat to, regroup, and then start again. Follow your own desires, not those of others.

We will always be facing obstacles. The ability to overcome these challenges is what leads to success. Resilience is the strength to overcome setbacks and press forward with a singular focus and dedicated purpose. In order to achieve your own personal greatness – make sure to work hard, feel your emotions, learn, help others, adjust, and stay grounded with your values.

Originally published at Richtopia 

Words spoken cannot be unsaid. A few years ago I was in a meeting with a cross-functional leadership team and my boss (who seemed successful); and I had just announced a new plan that would drastically change our customer approach. The idea was not only shot down, but I was belittled in front of the team. The boss even asked if I had “been living under a rock the past 6 months?”. Of course I handled it wrong, I felt the shame first and then the anger rise, and rise until I was going to put my boss in his place. At the last second, I remembered a book about emotional intelligence (Daniel Goleman’s) that I had just finished and realized I better not say what was about to be said. So I held my tongue and kept quiet.

The situation was handled wrong though. If I was more emotionally competent I would not have just kept quiet but I would have done a better job of reading the entire situation, understanding my emotions and the emotions of others, and knowing what words to speak and questions to ask in order to move the agenda forward. At that moment the situation was handled wrong because of a lack of emotional competence. Eventually with the effective use of one-on-one discussions the new approach was approved by my manager. Yet, I never trusted him again after the words he spoke, since once words are spoken, they can never be unsaid

.

Success, Learning from Others, and Emotional Competence 

We all want success. How we define success might be different, but we all want it. (Jeff Haden has a great article about how we define success) It could be based on financial & professional goals, relationship goals, skill based goals, travel goals, or health goals. Whatever success you are searching for, there are actions that you can take to help you get there. Sometimes it is important to follow the lead of those who have been successful before us. Learning from others helps us shorten our time from where we are to the success we are pursuing. Finding joy in the journey is key to happiness. No matter what else is surrounding you, if you are happy you are successful. For me, success and true happiness is found from understanding who I am, pursuing my talents, building strong relationships and helping others.

One main skill that successful people have is the ability to understand and work well with their own emotions and the emotions of others. This is often called emotional intelligence. Last week I learned the difference between Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Competence (thanks LaRae Quy). Competence includes action; intelligence is theoretical.

These actions separate the emotionally competent from everyone else:

Emotionally Competent People Do These 6 Things: 

1. They Open Lines of Communication

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Tony Robbins

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

2. They Thrive on Feedback

“I think a lot of times if you get feedback that is critical, your emotions might flare up and you might reject it. You need to be able to dial it back, calm down and listen to what they’re saying, because maybe they’re right.” – Laura Brown

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” Ken Blanchard

3. They Are People Centered

“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” – Arianna Huffington

“If you make a person feel smart and insightful, that person will enjoy your company more.” – Gretchen Rubin

4. They Only Speak When Adding Value

“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.” – George Eliot 

“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” – Benjamin Franklin

5. They Recognize and Respond to Emotions

“Our feelings are not there to be cast out or conquered. They’re there to be engaged and expressed with imagination and intelligence.” – T.K. Coleman

“An emotion does not cause pain. Resistance or suppression of emotion causes pain.” – Frederick Dodson

6. Use Smart &  Effective Body Language

“In short, our body language, which is often based on prejudices, shapes the body language of the people we’re interacting with.” – Amy Cuddy

“Sure, your personality and your emotional state will impact your confidence levels, but it’s obvious that assuming better body language, taking up space, and expanding your physical presence can play an important role as well.” – James Clear

In order to do those 6 things well you need 4 foundational skills:

Dr. Travis Bradberry teaches that emotional intelligence has 4 specific skills:

1. Self-awareness (Personal Competence)
2. Self-management (Personal Competence)
3. Social-awareness (Social Competence)
4. Relationship-management (Social Competence) 

These skills can be learned. As we focus on recognizing and labeling our own emotions we then can begin to focus on others. The more we focus our thoughts and actions on others, the more we are able to develop our own emotional competence. The purpose of success is to create and find (recognize) happiness along our journey. The more people we can help become successful, the more we will find our own personal success.

“Emotional self-control…delaying gratification and stifling impulsiveness- underlies accomplishment of every sort.”– Daniel Goleman

Originally published at www.ei-hub.com